witness

There’s a bizarre twist in my version. Bad things are good, and good things are bad.

(There’s an expiration date)

Insist, and there’s nothing to be said, but it’s known that that’s that.

Things change.

“I don’t know”

Call me Christopher

Call me Emily

“I Ross, take thee Rachel”

I bit my lip...

Thinking is toxic

It’s like admitting you need help. Ugh.

(it isn’t safe)

melancholy

(remember how we used to pronounce it funny)

--I’m like Piglet’s scarf on the blustery wednesday; unraveling.

“...this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you”

You have no idea how badly I miss you.

My mother might visit me this weekend. I don’t miss her, and mostly she irritates me more than most people can ever hope to, but I hope that she can make it. I want to show her where I go to drink coffee (little birds in the restaurant that sit on my table and eat off my plate). I want to visit the thrift store maybe. I want her to be in a good mood (do you think she will be?).

Maybe we’ll go to the beach.

Maybe we’ll talk about boys, or maybe about her. Maybe secrets.

Maybe I’ll take her for a slice of cheesecake.

We’ll go to the gluten-free bakery (we won’t talk about certain things)

I’ll tell her about how I sat in the coffee shop bawling my eyes out over The Little Prince (who hasn’t done that)

Maybe we’ll talk about childhood.

She might cry a bit (but I hope, I hope she doesn’t)

Maybe I’ll show her some of my writing. Maybe she’ll like it.

We’ll talk about books, and brothers, maybe we’ll buy a shelf.

She’ll tell me I look good, and wince at my hair. I’ll tell her I get compliments on it, and she’ll make a joke.

--I want to be perfectly clear: I don’t need her, but it would be kind of nice to spend a couple days with her.

Where did my strength go?

(there's lots of blue tack left on the wall)

Certain types of bravery

I just don't fit right.

Remember me.

If I were drunk...

Sometimes I wonder if I'm really an alien. Sometimes I wonder why we're friends. I wonder why you put up with me. I'm not a very good friend, you know. Maybe if I were perfect things would make sense. 

I wish I were a boy. Women are weak. And therefore lesser. People say that jokingly, but I believe it. 

I don't know how to be what men want. There are too many contradictions.

media has a bigger impact on me than people think. I believe all the things I see in movies.

Sometimes words aren't enough, but I don't know what else there should be.

Marla Singer

What are all the reasons to kidnap a person.

“That’s why I love hanging out with you, anything could happen”
“I live my life like a rom-com. Except without the falling in love stuff”

Buying long skirts and $1 shirts. Romantic heels. ‘Skinny Dipping’. (I was embarrassed to buy it, because the cover was stupid)

It’s too bad, all the things I never got to show you.

Red wine is better than white wine.

I love the rain, more than you could ever understand. I was born to walk in the rain.

“Don’t touch me”

I want to learn, and spend my time repairing shoes. A clean, neat shop, where suspenders fit.

“You’re the third Anastasia in this week. People come in waves”

I wonder what that means.

I wonder if I will ever understand anything.

(Long skirts with flowers on them, and leather jackets)

The boots make everything perfect.

The bizarre small fact that it’s itchy. (now I’ve got to be extra careful).

(science experiment)

Oh dear fuck, not reality. 

The mysterious girl, at the back of the coffee shop reading classic russian literature. Wearing heels and red lipstick, jeans and and a sweatshirt (she saves her smiles and uses them sparingly). She’s not mysterious, she’s just clinically depressed.

(justification)

The little boy with the pigeon on his shoulder. He talks softly to it, in coos. He doesn’t like swear words. His dad was kidnapped, but no one took notice.

Absurdity. Absurdity makes things real.

“I got this dress at a thrift store for one dollar. It’s a bridesmaid dress. Someone loved it intensely for one day, and then tossed it.”

I always wanted to be a soldier

good; don't cry

I always wanted to be a soldier. To prove I was good enough, strong enough to be a boy. (I guess in my mind, strength and good are virtually the same thing).

I guess it’s not just in my mind.

“I’m as good as a boy”

I wanted to love video games, I wanted to get into fights, and climb trees, and be impish. 

(This probably stemmed from my early idolization of S. E. Hinton and her books)

People always like you better when you aren’t trying so hard to get them to like you. 

(am I trying too hard?)

I’m so sorry my own self-esteem doesn’t match my outward appearance (22).

Rain boots.

“I was talking to my wife about it. That’s just one of those things I’m going to remember forever.”

Why do I even have friends.

You write pretty words (heavy boots), but you don’t stand behind them.

Amusing how?

Intimacy is uncomfortable. (always?)

I’m sorry I’m sorry and I’m all done apologizing.

                         ~                                                                         ~                                                                     ~

I took the pictures off the wall the other day. Part of me wants to burn them, but I need to hold on to them, because that’s all I’ve got left. (who would have thought you two would be the hardest people I would have to lose? Who looked at me when I was three and thought ‘when she’s 18, she’ll have broken up with two important people in her life, and neither of them will have been boyfriends’. That’s certainly not the type of analysis me and the friend make)

Who would have thought my Chandler moment would come with you.

(4th stage, almost out of sweatpants)

Seeing people you love. Ones who know you and still don’t hate you. It’s like the comfort of stepping into the hot shower. (I love you I love you)

So god damn fucking good, and I think there’s something wrong with me (Sarah Marshall)

Did you know it’s weird, now I’ve become you.

That’s the pattern of the story I suppose (polarize)

I should know better than anyone how that goes.

(I hope to end up somewhere in the middle)

The island of misfit toys (I’m so excited it fucking hurts)

(weak weak weak... but oh so soothing to just let go)

sighs

Wanted: A female friend I can trust.

if you want to be taken seriously, you've got to stop laughing

"I wanted to show you how to be brave

but you just wanted to teach me how to behave"

Please, please take what you deserve. (I love you and things are better when you’re happy)

If I’m a bitch, please don’t take it personally.

I hope one day I get a chance to slap you. (I fantasize about pulling out a chunk of your hair, about biting off a chunk of your skin. I fantasize about you understanding what it feels like to be the scapegoat for someone else’s fucked up problems)

did you really think extreme emotions came in only one form? (half the time laughter covers for tears - covers for aggression - covers for punches to your fat fucking face - stop stuffing yourself with peanut butter cups)

(I hate myself I hate myself I hatemyself)

-Just to break the tension

20 songs on repeat for days and days because nothing else is quite so beautiful.

“writing is an intimate letter to a stranger”

The subject and the objective mind are vastly different things.

(it’s not a big deal)

If I could only explain how perfect these songs are, if I could only explain the way the words envelop me, and push themselves inside my body, wrapping themselves around my organs -squeezing squeezing (in a satisfying way) then leaving again, carrying pieces of me with them where they go.

“I’ll find my way home, there’s no need for you to say you love me anymore”

You don’t know how true the stories are, and I hope you never find out.

“You’d better come quick now, I’m about to do something foolish - and if you’d be so kind as to call the police. (and I swear this time it’s not just for attention, but I also know that you’ve heard that from me once before)”

pennies & keys, pennies & keys

(I almost hope there are some repressed memories to  help shed some understanding)

“You don’t have to wait, and I don’t have to care”

“You have the most beautiful laugh, please never stop laughing”

Ben Fitzpatrick, you’ve got yourself a perfect perfect woman.

You always say goodbye when I don’t want you to, and she always talks when I wish she would shut up. (won’t you talk to me for longer?)

All I ever do is try to be a part of things. That’s the only reason for everything I do.

You can never ever ever ever ever find out; it’ll only make me 100 times less valid.

(You’re not funny)

Stop laughing.

I want to be 'something' since I'm not to be 'someone'

I don’t wish you the best. I hope you die soon, and I hope it’s god damn fucking painful bitch.

“Grief is stupid. I’d choose nothing. It’s not better, but grief is a compromise. You have to go for all or nothing.”














Gum is stupid.

call me Jesus Christ

Battle Scars

Delightful

“I found roller skating really easy to learn”

Monopoly (always always never good enough)

“I really do hope you’re happy”

(I’m so sorry)

As soon as you pity me, it makes me think I’m worthy of pity (and I’m so, I’m so not), so I start to pity myself.

I’m 14 again. And again and again.

I can’t go swimming (I can’t go swimming because of secrets)

Every good actor gives their character a secret. (my secret adds dimension. I need some dimension)

Bitch.

“And if it was up to you I’d be happy, and I’d write songs that made you happy too”

Cat scratches.

It sucks, because even though I hate you, you’re still one of my favorite people.

Maybe it was the competition. Maybe that’s what it was. “Finally they see how beautiful you are” (liar)

I like to pick the marshmallows out of the lucky charms. (the best part)

I have only one dimension (that’s what you think)

“How to tell the friend that you’ve fallen in love, watching her sing on the bow of a boat”

Egos are growing to grotesque shapes, and I guess they needed a few puncture wounds. (ugh, that hurts though)

At least I apologized. I least I realized it. Now my dear conscience can rest easy.

“play make-believe until it’s real”

“I’m not doing that well today, self control was never my forte”

I wish I wasn't too weird for you (it's better, better if we're friends)

Insecurity.

It’s never enough.